Saturday, December 4, 2010


:D :D

it's so good to be home again!!! :))

i was at the airport for approximately 5-6 hours FML. my flight was scheduled to leave at 3.30 am but the last Star Bus leaving the city was at 9.30pm :( oh wells! :) thanks Marv and ReiRei for sending me off and keeping me company! lol at ReiRei's bf bashing moves. hahahaha :) so cute!

luckily i bumped into Jian Han at the airport! :D good catch up since high school and cleared quite a few rumors going around WMS ppl. lol lol. wtfffff. apparently what happened between Jack and I were extremely exaggerated and blown out of proportion. humans just love to gossip. LOL. not like i give a shit anyway. it was simply hilarious. lols.

i was teasing Jian Han 'cause he was flying with Air Asia and his flight got delayed. he was with me till 2am ish? then karma struck and MY flight got delayed. FML to the MAX. we departed at 4am and i was practically half asleep. bumped into Sam and his gf flying to KL too :)) how random is that.

anyway, i'm so hyper and excited to be back!! :D that i can't be bothered sleeping. LOL.


In conclusion.

You're just a liar.

Don't pretend to care or be sorry or whatever you had said earlier.

All the oh I don't see you it pains me; I'm sorry and I'd tell you in person. But seriously, you just don't hv the guts to apologize in person.

Please. Just stop.

A text or call to wish me a safe flight is just a simple task. Yet, you can't even do it.

So this is it I guess.

Yeah I'll still be emo and shit at times.

But at least I know now, you're just a gutless liar and is definitely not worth my time.

It's time for you to stop reading my blog. Just because you know what's happening in my life or thoughts doesn't mean you're part of it anymore.

You chose to leave. So just fuck off.

<3 Posted from Steffie's iPhone :)

Friday, December 3, 2010

note to self.

do not expect anything, because it's not gonna happen.

you'll just crash and burn.

i don't know what i want anymore.
i just want to see you.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010


glee just makes me so happy!! :))))))))

it's a beautiful night,
we're looking for something dumb to do.
hey baby,
i think i wanna marry you.

is it the look in your eyes,
or is it the dancing juice?
who cares baby,
i think i wanna marry you.

don't say no, no, no, no, no,
just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
and we'll go, go, go, go, go
if you're ready, like i'm ready


:D :D :D

also, Ailin and SooMi :))) 

you guys are awesome. 


Cumulus Inc and me time :)

i was busy planning my whole week this week bc i was afraid that i'd be bored to death lol. and it turned out to be one of my busiest weeks ever.

-____-" i amuse myself sometimes.

i'm totally not complaining though, as i get to catch up with everyone before i head back to KL this Friday night/ early Saturday morning. yeah and it's kinda retarded bc my flight is at freaking 3.30 am and the last Star Bus that leaves the city is at 9.30pm. therefore, i'm basically stranded in Tullamarine for approximately 4-5 hours before my flight :((( SIGH. oh wells, not that i've a choice anyway.

anyhooo. the girls (Alice, Joce and I) decided to give Cumulus Inc a try, since we'd been hearing raved reviews about their food :))) and definitely no regrets dining there because the food. is. just. simply. orgasmic. OR nom-gasmic if you may. lol i love that word. nomgasmic nomgasmic nomgasmic!

since Keith recommended the lamb shoulder, we decided to order it, along with a starter- soft shell crab with thai chilli and mayonnaise and a salad - poached prawns and white cabbage :)) all of them tasted amazinggggggg. mmmhmmm.

 Joce and Alice :)

Moi and Joce

Bread & Butter
the one on the left is like a spongy bread. soooo goooddd.


the area was much smaller than i've expected it to be.
it seemed much more spacious in photos :)

quaint bar

starter - soft shell crab with thai chilli and mayonnaise
it was so tasty :)) the crab was cripsy and the sauce wasn't an overkill. it was just right.

salad - poached prawns tossed with white cabbage :)

main- slow cooked lamb shoulder
it was absolutely massive. we couldn't even finish half of it cuz of it's size.
the lamb was soooo tender and its skin was crisp as well. best combination of both :)
the meat's texture was amazing. it wasn't overcooked and neither was it too soft either.
mmmmm. nomgasmic indeedy!

we headed off to Southgate to chill on a lazy Tuesday afternoon haha. the weather was perfect today :)) totally a good beach weather. it was a good relaxing day, with both of us sitting at Trampoline's, having a good talk about everything :)) ahhhh life's good.


armed with bubble tea. heehee. asian ftw!

after Alice left with Yoshi, i was split between going home and exploring the city :)) i always wanted to explore the city on my own, discovering new streets and tiny lanes. it's always a good surprise to find something new :)) so i walked all the way from Flinders to La Trobe, turning at every corner that i've an inkling to. it was meeeeeeeee time <3 just enjoying being on my own :)

Fed Square

St. Paul's cathedral

Degraves Street
there are quite a few quaint little cafes and restaurants located along this street :)
and i've always wanted to try Little Cupcakes.
need to find another cupcake fan! lol




Bourke Street

lying on the lawn outside State Library
bc i just felt like doing so. lol!
uber happy when the weather is sunny :))
 grabbed a drink from Safeway and just lied down, staring at the sky :)


haha. this guy was mega annoyed when the asians near him attempted to feed the seagulls.
mainly bc the bread crumbs they were throwing at the seagull kinda showered over him and his book.



yeah. melbourne is pretty infested with seagulls and pigeons
Alice's arch enemies. lol lol


yeah after such a big meal, Alice doesn't wanna do dinner at Tempura Hajime tomorrow anymore :(((( 

me ish sad. the whole restaurant only takes 12 seatings per dinner session and i managed to book it miraculously. lol lol. i'm NOT giving up my reservation!! damn it :( 

anyone wants to dine with me tomorrow? lol. 

hmm. maybe i should go with guy-from-club since he asked whether i'm free for dinner.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


hiiiiii :)))

after all the intense stressful period, with a whole range of fluctuating emotions, i'm finally done with exams last Wednesday!!! :DD life had been pretty damn busy at the moment, which explains the lack of posts. haha. or maybe i'm just lazy :p

we spoke on Friday, after clubbing. i really needed to speak to you because i really can't deal with this anymore. i realised that i'm just so so so tired from having to put on a front in front of our mutual friends. it's actually life draining. i've had enough since exams. pulling myself together, trying to focus on studying and pretending to be okay in front of ppl had really sucked the happiness and life out of me. therefore, i've suffered enough. and i need to stop this.

we can't be friends anymore. not now, at least. i'm sure we will be friends down the road, next year, when both of us had fully mended our hearts.

do you know how hard it was that i still have to see you and pretend everything's fine AFTER exams? we share tonnes of mutual friends between us and we attend the exact same events. it just felt like we both can't leave each other alone. hence, explaining why we should really stay away from each other and stop being friends for awhile. we don't need to be polite to each other, nor do we need to smile obligingly just because we had to. screw that. both of us just need to be happy. and the ONLY way we could achieve that, is being apart.

i don't know about you, but i really don't want this anymore. not now anyway. there is too much hurt involved. you being you, thinking about yourself more than others and me just on the receiving end. don't get me wrong, i'm sure we both hurt just as much. but maybe i just show it more than you do. lol. typical. cuz we both know that i'm SUCH a bad actor. LOL.

i'm really glad that we had the talk though :))) it made me realised the silly assumptions i've made about you. it just felt like you didn't care enough to text/call me during exam period and check whether i'm okay. i just felt that you were so selfish that i couldn't even stand talking/seeing you. i was so hurt. it felt like you just couldn't be bothered. you reminded me that i shouldn't make assumptions and that you do think of me and that you were still the softie on the inside. it was very very liberating to hear that because all the things you said that night just reminded me of the person i fell in love with, whom is still the same on the inside; no matter how much that you tried to portray yourself otherwise.

we both aren't happy. we admitted that to each other. although everything seemed a lil confusing right now, i actually literally felt relieved. it really felt like it's time for closure, the right time to move on.

i don't know what would happen in the next couple of days, months or till next year. but i really hope that both of us would eventually be happy again :)) i'm sure everything will get better in time :)) time heals. that's for sure.
anyway, i've mentioned that i'd write a thank you post to those who were there for me, being my pillar(s) of strength through out the break up and exams :)) here goes in no chronological order.

PS: please bear with me if i didn't include you >.< most likely it's not that i forgot about you, but like it's 3 freaking am in the morning and my brain isn't functioning as well as it should be haha

what can i say?? :) you are an amazing listener and definitely one of the most mature friends i've ever had. it meant a lot to me when you said i'm strong because i know you are one tough cookie as well :) we both know what you had been / are going through in your relationship too and i really can't imagine being you. in the sense that i wouldn't know what to do and whom to choose. thanks for being there listening to my woes, sorrows and rants. i know i could call you whenever and you'd be more than happy to listen to me and vice versa :)) you told me not to lose out on my studies because it was so not worth it. and you were so worried about me, whether i was eating right, studying well etc. it really is great being besties with you and you are one of my best gfs definately <3

We weren't close to start off with but it really did surprise me when you were so concerned about how i was feeling and whether i was pulling up fine. i really do owe you a lot for helping me out with PBL as i was so lost, both in perio and emotion wised. lol. it was you who really made me realised that i probably should stop whining/crying/being emo because nothing would change from that. i was in such a bad shape after the Oral Anatomy class test and i just needed someone to talk to. although you needed to study, you still came and sat on the lawn with me, and being a great listener. what you said was true and it made so much sense after. you told me to stop asking myself "why". why did we break up? why couldn't we try? why now? you told me to stop asking the same question and stop tormenting myself because they will never be an answer or reason good enough for a break up. it's NEVER good enough. and Chris probably had moved on and seemed fine anyway so you encouraged me to pull myself up, push all my sadness away and put all my effort into studying. 

haha i remember how you were telling me about your past gf(s). omg. i never expected you to have so many! lolss. anyway, thanks for teaching me how to move on. deleting everything - messages, emails, phone number, skype and msn was really one of the best ways to move on. hahaha and you supervised that lol. and i should have totally heeded to your advice that we both shouldn't talk till next year. it seemed outrageous but it was prolly the right thing to do.

Tho Tho!! :)))) thanks for the whatsapp/ texts that both Popo and you sent me :)) you guys are awesome :) it felt real good when you guys were checking on to see whether i was doing fine and seeing how my studies were coming along. and i remember ranting to you about Megan and Pat. LOL. you loved it. HAHAHA. and studying at Brownless with you guys were tonnes of fun :) it meant a lot to me as well when both of you asked me to join your group for lunches and just to hang around you guys :)))) 

where should i start? lol lol! you were the one who was there literally during my break up. we were on msn on that dreaded day and i was so jittery and emo. i was telling you how i have a really strong gut feeling that Chris would come up and break it off. thank god you were there to keep me sane. and after he left, you were still there, waiting for me to reply and staying online just to keep me company. i really, really appreciate our friendship. starting up our online business was really one thing that pulled us together :)) and i'm really glad we did. you are such a true and loyal friend to me. friendships like this are really hard to come by :) HUGS! also, during exams, thanks for checking on me too :)) and kept me company on whatsapp from my mega boring notes lol. :)) i can't wait to see you soon!!!!! 

Ai Lin
one of my most loyal friends who hold friendship higher in her heart than anyone else. thanks for being there for me through my sobbing, whiny phone calls. and you know i'd do the same for you too. anytime! :) i know recently we both had been going through some emo shit and i'm glad we both have each other to talk to. and things are definately getting better now :) thanks for telling me that i really needed space and to stop trying so hard to be friends with Chris because it was just destroying and killing both of us from the inside. you are such a blatant, straight forward person whom i really admire. haha cuz i would never be able to tell people to fuck off like you can. hahahaha. not that it's a bad thing anyway. you taught me to stand up for myself and i'm really getting better at it. lol. 

thanks for talking to me during my late night emo phone calls, which sometimes wake you up. haha. and you have work the next day too :(( i felt soooooo bad!!! i remember asking you, do you think this is karma? i broke up with you and broke your heart and now i'm receiving what i did to you. you could have told me "yes, you were such a bitch" but instead, you said that i was silly and shouldn't think of it that way :)) you are still you, the kind hearted person and the one who still care :) haha it's funny how we joked that we don't even know how to call each other by the name cuz it's so AWKWARD. it has been 2 years since we'd seen each other and the last time we met, we were still a couple. lol. calling you by your name is so. damn. weird!

you were there for me even though you had exams (nawwwww) :))) it meant a lot really and i can't wait to come back to see you and talk to you!! :)

Hoong Chun
We grew closer during exam time and i was really vulnerable then :( thanks for talking to me when i was sooooooo bored from studying and your company was one of the things that got me through exams. haha i remembered that you were sending me random youtube videos to cheer me up and "motivate" me. but the stupid clip with Rocky in it was just moronic. LOL. and because of you, i rewatched the Gossip Girl scene for like, a million times -___- soooooo addictive. and it sort of made me emo as well -_____- but it was also one of the most touching scenes i've ever seen. 

you were always the one to disappear whenever i ask you to come along for events -__- but it's great that you are coming out more often now!! :)) it's fun having you around :)) thanks for swinging by to my place and went for drinks with me to keep me company and talk to me :)) it was good having a girlfriend around and someone  who is willing to listen to me whine. :)

College Mates (Weenz, Art, Kah May, Kar Leng, Ming, Qing, Ro)
OMGGGG you guys are zeeeeee best!! :))) seriously. whoever thought of starting the facebook thread going to keep in contact was an absolute genius :) although we hardly catch each other around and you guys are on the other end of the world (UK, US and Malaysia), thanks for replying so fast to my post. all your encouragements and support were really what i needed. hahah thank god for the time difference when i was unable to sleep at 4am and i think Ming was still awake and talking to me on the thread. Weenz you knocked some sense in my head when you said that he doesnt really care anyway because if he was as organised as i said, then why can't he organise me into his busy schedule? well it wasn't exactly like that, but i guess it was kinda true in a way too. and Kar Leng hahahahaha the thing you said about Mariah Carey just made me LOL-ed so bad. hahahahaha.

wow. this post is realllllllllly long. and i'm really really tired. lol 

anyway to sum this up, other ppl whom i'd like to thank for hearing me out:

Jack, Steph, Tecki, Marz, Kev, Shawn (omg you called me a fucking idiot lol), Yen Thong, Asher, Rich, Sarah etc. 

my brain ain't working anymore. i'll add on more when i'm more awake lol :)

that's for now! 


Sunday, November 14, 2010


This is why you shouldn't doodle on your partner's notes when you were attached.

Because when you're revising your notes, you'd be constantly reminded of it.


<3 Posted from Steffie's iPhone :)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

so like.

which part of "when are you leaving? i've some stuff to do" that you don't understand?

it's pretty DAMN obvious that i want you to leave my house (!!!!!)

fucking hate people who self invites and overstay.

wtf. seriously.

how thick can your skin be? the size of a truck?

Thursday, November 11, 2010


me is still aliveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

surviving on barely 2 hours of sleep lol and i can feel my preexams adrenaline pumping through my veins!

omg. i actually did 20 lectures in a day. LOL.

but never again.


i hope.

thanks steph, reina and pat for sending me encouraging texts!

hoong chun and shin for being there on whatsapp, keeping me sane.

love you guys :)

imma write a thank you post for those who stood by me throughout my break up.



go go go!!!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


"You're Serena van der Woodsen. He should be moving mountains to be with you if he had to,"


made my day.

love you Soo Mi! hahaha


I need some feel good factors to enhance my study mojo.

So I'm gonna cross out whatever I've done for tomorrow's paper!

For now,

LA (3 lectures)
Radio (7 lectures)

DTP (5 lectures)
OA ( 10 lectures)

Omg. I hope I survive D:

<3 Posted from Steffie's iPhone :)


it's funny how that no matter how quick you try to change your relationship status on Facebook and remove it as soon as possible,

some moron still manages to comment on it.

"WHAT! seriously?!"



No. I just changed it for fun, to garner attention.

No shit that it's serious right?!


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the scariest thing.

is that you're not stressed for exams when you're supposed to be :(

after yesterday's paper,

i've entirely lost my mojo to study.

this is nuts! :(

life quote.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

seriously feel super gg.

don't know whether i can get some sleep tonight :(

and the thought of you repulses me too.



please please do not try to pretend like you care.

because we both know, that you don't.

not a single bit.
fml fml fml fml fml fml.

stressed to max.

I'm confused with my feelings right now.


All occuring simultaneously.


<3 Posted from Steffie's iPhone :)

the last run.


exams are starting tomorrow!!


6 more perio lectures to memorise and redo cons and perio in one go.



it's kinda boring studying alone actually. but oh wells! i can memorise better.

although it's driving me insane cuz i dont have a living human being to talk to.

texts don't count. lol. but oh well that has to do for now!

why am i doing dentistry again?


i want that damn award.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

what is there not to love :)

back to studying! :)

close friends made me realize that, i need someone fun, spontaneous, chilled (lol), less self centered (double lol) etc.

we are so different.

how could i not see it?

well, good to know,

that you were right.


Friday, November 5, 2010



i wanna daiiiiiiiiiiii!!

perio is killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


one epi of HIMYM and i'm not sleeping tonight.



once the toxicity is gone,

i just feel,


Thursday, November 4, 2010

i should stop telling myself that "i'm fine",

because i'm not.

i used to think that by telling myself that repeatedly, everything will be okay.

but obviously, it's not.

maybe it's okay to not be fine. i'm human anyways. and my feelings get confused somehow.

just wished that it wouldn't affect me so much.

and it's time to accept that people who left, best friend/close friend whoever, are not coming back.

and well, everything we had, really had reduced to nothing.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

fuck this shit.

i'm pissed at myself for being emo and weak like a mofo, emoing over our past and current situations.

of all times, we had to break it off during exam period.

to be frank, i'm not studying well at all.

i'm just thinking about you and get all my emo pangs in the morning.

i can barely sleep and when i wake up, i feel like shit.

fuck. i'm so annoyed right now.


i need a hug.

bad shape.

one of those days when you wake up feeling shit,

and nothing that you do could make you feel any better.

just wanna lie in bed and sleep, but i'm running out of time to study.

of all times, it have had to be done now- exam time.



sometimes, even i don't understand myself.


is there anything possible to just speed up the process?

i don't want to be in pain anymore.

just tired.

exam and emotional stress are just too much to bear atm.

Monday, November 1, 2010

when it hits rock bottom, 

things can only go up from here.

i hope.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

sometimes i wish that everything could go back to normal again.

us talking (eye to eye), not being awkward and being good friends again.

maybe talking to you personally would help, but at the moment, i get the vibe that you don't want to talk.

so yeah.

i don't want to push it either.

don't wanna risk jeopardizing what we still have left.

i miss you.

not as a couple anymore because i know it's not going to happen.

but more of a close, best friend whom i shared so much with before.

now, everything we had is just reduced to nothing.

somehow, in my heart, i know we can pick up from where we left off as best friends bc of the strong relationship we had before.

that's certainly what i hope for.

tonight, it's just one of those nights that i want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep.

firework :)

one of those songs that make me wanna dance! :D

and very inspiring too! :)

"Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed,
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road"


Friday, October 29, 2010


ahhhh finally finished with assignments! (due today) lol.

happy happy joy joy!

but, there's still Prac book :( *strangles self*

oh wells.

i feel like drinking tonight. partly to celebrate and also to cheer myself up.

who wants to be my drinking partner?


song dedications from Tecki and Kev :)

nawww <3

thanks guys :)

Thursday, October 28, 2010



after having such a messed up week, i'm stuck with PBL mapping at 1 freaking am :((

and i'm nowhere near finishing!!!


*pulls hair out*

plus, it doesn't really help that i'm still having trouble sleeping :(

can you imagine someone who used to sleep at least 12 hours a day and still complain that she's tired, is now an insomniac who's running on 1 hour of sleep for more than 24 hours?

fuck this shit.

i'm gonna finish you PBL!!!!


PS: i really don't deserve this from you. i'll be strong for myself. don't expect too much from me, really.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

hi all,

thanks for all your hugs/ fb msges/ texts/ phone calls/ tweets/ whatsapp etc :))

it's great to know that i've a good support system behind me when i fall.

you know who you are :)

thanks for everything and i'm glad to know that you guys are standing by me through this tough time.

much appreciated.

i will be okay.


the most painful experience is that we both know we still love each other,

but we are deliberately trying to stay apart,

hence destroying the both of us.

Monday, October 25, 2010

can we just leave the past behind us and move on, starting over? please?

i'm going insane. can't even think straight.

heart hurts so bad.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


you told me to express my feelings in words.

i just saw you at ft just now.

my heart was racing, and do you know what i was thinking?

i was thinking. MAYBE he changed his mind. MAYBE he wants me back. MAYBE he would hug me and said "boo, can we forget everything from the past and move on?"

to which, i would, definitely, say yes.

a big fucking yes.

instead, you know what you said?

you said, "i'm gonna drop off your stuff at your place later"

and you started to leave.

i just couldn't hold back my tears. 

it's so so so painful.

so painful.

you killed me again.

again and again.

finally, i had to ask you. i had to ask you face to face. "have i lost you?"

you replied,"we can still be friends"

i gulped back my tears, couldn't believe what i hear, and while you turn left to college square, i turned right.

i cried.

cried my way back to uropa. cried in my room so loudly that jack had to come and see what happened.

i'm in such pain. 

i love you but i can't be with you.

i need you.

i told you before, i've never felt the same way for anyone before.

you are so special to me.

have you felt your heart being torn to pieces and trampled on, again and again?

i felt that literally. i actually felt it.

why are you doing this to me?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

it's over.

i'm so heartbroken right now, i just feel numb.

you know you're going crazy

when you wake up at 6.45am when you slept at 2am the night before, and couldn't go back to sleep.

when you speak to a fly in your room nicely, asking it to fly out because you really can't deal with everything right now. including the fly.

when someone doesn't pick up your calls/return texts, you think that it was your phone's reception's fault. and just not because he didn't reply.

when you tried to restart your phone countless times, hoping that it REALLY was the reception's fault.

when you feel so lonely because your best friend is not speaking to you.

when you start to hate yourself and question why this is happening.

when you cry till your eyelids swell up into a monolid that is the size of a tiny hill.

i just want you.


Saturday, October 16, 2010

pulling up again.

a handful of events had happened within the past month like a whirlwind that destroyed everything i thought i had. it left as soon as it came. and now i'm back on my 2 feet again, convincing myself that everything is going to be okay. we told each other that everything is going to be fine. i have faith. but pulling up is not as easy as i thought it would be. maybe i fell harder than i expected this time.

Everything is going to be alright.

and omg. i really do despise others who belittle me. well, i'm fired to do well and beat the hell out of you.


so fuck you and your little elite group of people.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I love you,

So so much.

But sometimes I just wish this is easier.

<3 Posted from Steffie's iPhone :)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Jit jit passed away yesterday and went to tortoise heaven.


i hope she has strong wings and a halo around her shell there.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

om nom nom nom.


the frank tate craze is on!

pretty motivated to study but need to grasp onto it D:

and i'm craving for macarons now! :((((

damn you Oony for baking those amazing macarons T____T

i wanna try the Lindt ones now! :D

Sunday, August 29, 2010


change of plans.

i wanna head off now.

can't. stand. it.

i'm going to explode.

for sure.


my internet's capped.


it's really damn annoying when i want to lectopia my lectures and it takes 4 HOURS to dld one lecture which is only as  big as 13.5 MB. it is still downloading now -_- it was on since 2 pm.

to be honest, i hvnt been around using much of the internet as i hv been going over to Chris's.

and we have 80gb(s) in total of peak and off peak.

so wtf?

i need to do my assignments and upload photos for my blogshop.

and the damn websites wont even load.


so. damn. irritated.


Jit Jit (my pet tortoise) is really sick :(

Mum said she hasn't been eating again and she's not defecating too. Vets have been giving her pain killers and trying to hydrate her as well.

Her arms and legs could barely move this morning :(


It has been a shit week.

Can all the bad things stop happening already?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

so, am i supposed to speak from my heart or my head?

i get confused sometimes too.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

i've finally found you, my missing puzzle piece.

it is a moody day for me and as usual, i don't even try to hide it very well. maybe not from boo, but it's good enough to shield from the outside world on how i felt.


we understand each other so well that my feelings affect his too. i felt awful when i realised he thought i was sad because of him and he decided to roll in bed instead of coming to class. studying fuels him and makes him happy (lol. such a nerd) and it was


why am i like this? :(

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

so this is it.

i'm currently overwhelmed with emotions. and these emotions couldn't possibly all be worded nor expressed. but i'll try. because it is the best way for me to deal with them, for now.

it has been 3 days, since the confrontation. it seemed less serious than it sounds, as it was more of me talking, picking my fingernails and just looking away while trying to express how i felt for the last 3 months. it felt more like it was expressed from only my point of view. when i did catch your eyes occasionally as i looked up, there was your mere smile on your face. the one that i'm so familiar with, because we had been so close for so long. it pains me, because you meant so much to me, as a best friend, one of my closest since high school. 

you know i hate confrontations. i KNOW i hate confrontations. which is why it took me freaking 3 months to muster all the courage i have to speak to you. that miserable sunday, when i came home, trying to mentally prepare myself and try to get the words out from my mouth was absolutely torturous. i swear a part of me inside died and has yet to recover. i was so so so nervous and it was so diffucult to get my thoughts right. all i could do before i knocked on your door, which is always closed for now, was pacing up and down the living room, cleaning up my room, kitchen etc. everything was done in vain to prepare myself.

you were simply, emotionless after all that i'd said. even my tears couldn't do otherwise.your patting on my thigh and that mere smile were all i could get out of you. then i realised i was treated as how you would treat our normal friends. normal as in, distant friends, whom usually after you'd comforted them, you'd come back home and tell me stories about them, occasionally saying that they're stupid and you don't know what they were thinking of.

after all that said and done, i told you that i need to return to my room, curl up and die. and you said i should take a rest. lol. so, that's it?

that was all you could say to me? 

take a rest.

that was it huh.

we both shut our doors and while i curl up and wanting to die on my bed, i could clearly hear you skyping with your gf, talking and laughing, as if nothing took place in the last 15 minutes. well, aren't thin walls a blessing?  i snapped at that point and told chris i can't do this anymore. i need to leave. i need to leave immediately. kev came to get me and i just grabbed whatever i could, as fast as possible to just get away. to leave. 

and that was it. 

no texts, no calls, no emails, no nothing.

i guess for the past few days after the whole drama, my inner self was just pushing everything aside. my brain pretty much refused to process whatever that had happened and resisting entirely any feelings i had. numb, i would say.

i tried to put on a brave front, telling EVERYONE i'm okay. i'm perfectly fine. pfft. it takes time but i'm fine now! :)))) don't worry about me! i'm okay :D 

hi mum and dad, i'm fine :) don't worry okay? mum, stop being so dramatic about everything. i'm fine.

hey boo i'm fine :) don't worry about me, just do your stuff and i won't invade your space :)

hi kev :D PRINCE OF BOH huh! :)

lol. i amuse myself. seriously.

today was one of those days. one of the unlucky days since i've 4 damn classes from 9 to 5. and all i wanna do is just curl in bed and sleep. just to block everything away from my head, and sleep. boo came back for me every single break and we spent time talking. talking about how i was feeling and everything else. to be honest, i'm still in pieces. it was good to have my own little space now, just to pull all my thoughts together and mend myself. i'm very tired and all i want to do was to sleep for the entire day. curled up in bed and hide myself from everyone else. i don't think i can walk out from the apartment and face anyone today. i don't want to speak to people, i don't want to pretend that everything's fine for once. i just want to be hiding alone.

i do wonder whether i did the right thing. 

whether it was right to express how i felt. maybe i should have done what i do best- run and hide. running away from problems is undeniably my forte. pretending, not so because my face tends to show it all. facing the problems i have is definitely my phobia, hence part of me dying is unavoidable in confronting issues. everyone told me it was the right thing to tell him. but why do i feel otherwise? 

i always knew if i had to take this step, it would end up like this. it would wind down to us trying to avoid each other. if we bump into one another, all we will do is to smile meekly and have some sort of small talk that involves uni, the weather and what not and awkwardness will engulf us whole. 

of all days, my body had to choose today to fall apart. 

what the fuck.

chris said that i shouldn't shut you out and there might be a glimmer of hope in saving this relationship. 

i honestly don't know what i should do. 

but hey, it's time to stop lamenting and pick the pieces up. 

Thursday, July 22, 2010

awww :)

"In your life, no matter how short, you will meet someone who challenges you, who really makes you think. You will meet someone who can make you laugh relentlessly, where your face hurts from smiling so hard. You will meet someone who makes you so angry, so upset and so fucking vulnerable all at once. You will meet someone who be your support no matter what, even if they believe you are wrong. You will meet someone who takes care of you in your worst moments and you will learn to take care of them in their worst as well. You will meet someone you will go through hell and back for. You will meet someone who you love with every ounce of your being. You will meet someone who makes you feel more alive and more happy than you ever have before. You will meet someone who will open doors for you, who will do anything to help you succeed. You will meet someone who would weather the worst of storms for you. You will meet someone who will say one thing to you and your eyes will pour tears and your heart will melt in their hands. You will meet someone who is your best friend, until nothing but death tears you apart. One day, you will meet someone who is all of those and son, you better marry her because she will be everything you will ever need in a human being and every single day you wake up you will be so damn thankful to feel her fingers in your hair and her smile on the back of your neck and don’t you dare bargain for any less of someone who is everything I told you because we settle for too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn’t be one of them."
— Papa, Wasted (Excerpt from my story) (via where-the-heart-is)


apparently it is the season of breaking up recently amongst my circle of primary mates. (yes i still keep in touch with them :) ) it's very intriguing that how all of us lead different lives and we all have our own little pieces of dramas. and although we haven't seen each other for nearly half a year since we last gathered, words of comfort are appreciated so so much when we exchange our woes and experiences, speaking of the past, present and future.

my best friend during our primary years had an extremely bad break up with her boyfriend. they had been going out for 2 years and the break up came as a shock to her. she had always known that he was one with a weird character and also mysteriously temperamental. his reason for breaking up was that he came across a quote, written between the lines of, "what is love? when it can barely last forever" or something seemingly meaningful, but in reality, it's just a bunch of crap. that was it. that WAS the best he can come up with and he left her torn apart, trying to pick up the pieces, all by herself.

"i'm so lost. i don't know what i'm doing everyday. i couldn't focus when i'm working. i can't eat nor sleep properly without nightmares interjecting into my mind. i'm literally a walking corpse and am nothing but a human shell", she said.

to which i tried to give my advice, but apart from saying, "time heals everything," and "he doesn't deserve you anyway that selfish bastard", i couldn't suggest anything else. i realised that i actually couldn't relate to her regarding the break up. i'm very fortunate that in my past relationships, i've been treated extremely well and to be crude, it was pretty evident that my ex(es) loved me, more than i did to them.i was the one who was always irrational and temperamental. for her, she was the one falling head over heels for him and that when he left in a sudden, she couldn't forgive him, moreover herself because she felt that she violated the "the guy must love me more than i do to him in a relationship" rule.

she felt stupid, extremely furious with him and herself, broken and lost. karma was what she thought when he left because she remembered that she didn't treat her past bfs well at all. they were the ones who heeded to all her needs and dayummm she was even more irrational than i was. heh.

and then she got me thinking.

well, what happens if i was her? would that ever happen to me?


honestly, i hope not. (who does anyway!!?) then i thought to myself. if i try to hold back in falling for someone and hoping that he loves me more than i do to him, maybe i wouldn't hurt myself that much, even if it didn't work out. i was initially introuduced to the "rule" by my mum and it is repeatedly reinforced by my girlfriends. all of whom suffered from break ups, good or bad ones.

but seriously, who the fuck invented this outrageous "rule"?!?! think about it, if i hold back my feelings and he thinks that i don't love him enough and likewise held back his, then there is NO meaning to the whole relationship. because we ARE living in denial and selfishness to try to protect ourselves from being hurt by others and therefore, never truly loved each other.

horrible as it sounds, i do admit that i am slightly influenced by it. because i'm a girl and love being pampered :) but that doesn't mean i hold back when it comes to falling in love. i'd like to think that i'm an emotionally attached person and still, unabashedly loves to fantasize the perfect everything when it comes to a relationship. yeaappp that's me, forever the dreamer.

to me, i've learnt that being in a relationship is more of falling deeply in love with each other and having that overwhelming chemistry, then start learning about your partner's habits, character and thoughts, getting to understand him better and then, realising that you are actually falling deeper in love with him when you actually thought it was rendered impossible that it could happen, because you're already so so so into him before.

love is, a strange strange thing.

anyway, back to the story. all of us tried our best to talk to her and try to understand what she's going through. cracking jokes, gossiping about others and generally tried to tear her away from the pain that was piercing her. and the last piece of thought i gave was, "everything happens for a reason", lame i know. yeah Chris's favourite quote. but i thought it was apt at that particular moment when everyone ran out of things to say. to which she nodded and agreed that it is something positive that she could start off with. :) finally someone actually believed that nonsensical quote :p

at the end of the night, when i started writing up this post, (i wrote it last night but didn't manage to finish it) i received a text from my best friend. it was a mass text to everyone who were there. she thanked us for listening and that it felt heart warming that after all these years, we are still there for her and she appreciated it very, very much.


and this is why friendships are precious to me. those who matter anyway :)

Monday, July 12, 2010

I am

down with flu

giving up on watching the World Cup *lol*

thinking of getting my wisdoms out


tired of talking about you

sick of nosy people

missing you

in love

<3 Posted from Steffie's iPhone :)



i'm really hungry right now :( but i don't feel like snacking in the middle of the night D: D: need to lose fat cheeks!! RWAR!

boo met my family today :) lol and he wondered why my crazy uncle didn't speak much during the whole dinner haha. obviously mum prewarned him about his verbal diarrhea issue :p and therefore he was under a very controlled situation. lol!

i'm really glad everything went well and he wasn't feeling too awkward with his everyone-surrounding-me-is-speaking-canto phobia :))))

*i can hear soccer fans cheering from Steven's corner omg they are so crazy*

it's strange how some people mask their nosiness with the excuse of being caring. they actually feel superior over you about things or issues that you don't give a shit about. i'm just bemused by them.

random photos in no chronological order :)


zomg. velvet rouge from fukuharu is so yums!


lazing around lincoln park :)


cousin love :)


puff, joce and moi <3


love love :)


graffiti wall at MC


cheek love <3 <3