it has been 3 days, since the confrontation. it seemed less serious than it sounds, as it was more of me talking, picking my fingernails and just looking away while trying to express how i felt for the last 3 months. it felt more like it was expressed from only my point of view. when i did catch your eyes occasionally as i looked up, there was your mere smile on your face. the one that i'm so familiar with, because we had been so close for so long. it pains me, because you meant so much to me, as a best friend, one of my closest since high school.
you know i hate confrontations. i KNOW i hate confrontations. which is why it took me freaking 3 months to muster all the courage i have to speak to you. that miserable sunday, when i came home, trying to mentally prepare myself and try to get the words out from my mouth was absolutely torturous. i swear a part of me inside died and has yet to recover. i was so so so nervous and it was so diffucult to get my thoughts right. all i could do before i knocked on your door, which is always closed for now, was pacing up and down the living room, cleaning up my room, kitchen etc. everything was done in vain to prepare myself.
you were simply, emotionless after all that i'd said. even my tears couldn't do otherwise.your patting on my thigh and that mere smile were all i could get out of you. then i realised i was treated as how you would treat our normal friends. normal as in, distant friends, whom usually after you'd comforted them, you'd come back home and tell me stories about them, occasionally saying that they're stupid and you don't know what they were thinking of.
after all that said and done, i told you that i need to return to my room, curl up and die. and you said i should take a rest. lol. so, that's it?
that was all you could say to me?
take a rest.
that was it huh.
we both shut our doors and while i curl up and wanting to die on my bed, i could clearly hear you skyping with your gf, talking and laughing, as if nothing took place in the last 15 minutes. well, aren't thin walls a blessing? i snapped at that point and told chris i can't do this anymore. i need to leave. i need to leave immediately. kev came to get me and i just grabbed whatever i could, as fast as possible to just get away. to leave.
and that was it.
no texts, no calls, no emails, no nothing.
i guess for the past few days after the whole drama, my inner self was just pushing everything aside. my brain pretty much refused to process whatever that had happened and resisting entirely any feelings i had. numb, i would say.
i tried to put on a brave front, telling EVERYONE i'm okay. i'm perfectly fine. pfft. it takes time but i'm fine now! :)))) don't worry about me! i'm okay :D
hi mum and dad, i'm fine :) don't worry okay? mum, stop being so dramatic about everything. i'm fine.
hey boo i'm fine :) don't worry about me, just do your stuff and i won't invade your space :)
hi kev :D PRINCE OF BOH huh! :)
lol. i amuse myself. seriously.
today was one of those days. one of the unlucky days since i've 4 damn classes from 9 to 5. and all i wanna do is just curl in bed and sleep. just to block everything away from my head, and sleep. boo came back for me every single break and we spent time talking. talking about how i was feeling and everything else. to be honest, i'm still in pieces. it was good to have my own little space now, just to pull all my thoughts together and mend myself. i'm very tired and all i want to do was to sleep for the entire day. curled up in bed and hide myself from everyone else. i don't think i can walk out from the apartment and face anyone today. i don't want to speak to people, i don't want to pretend that everything's fine for once. i just want to be hiding alone.
i do wonder whether i did the right thing.
whether it was right to express how i felt. maybe i should have done what i do best- run and hide. running away from problems is undeniably my forte. pretending, not so because my face tends to show it all. facing the problems i have is definitely my phobia, hence part of me dying is unavoidable in confronting issues. everyone told me it was the right thing to tell him. but why do i feel otherwise?
i always knew if i had to take this step, it would end up like this. it would wind down to us trying to avoid each other. if we bump into one another, all we will do is to smile meekly and have some sort of small talk that involves uni, the weather and what not and awkwardness will engulf us whole.
of all days, my body had to choose today to fall apart.
what the fuck.
chris said that i shouldn't shut you out and there might be a glimmer of hope in saving this relationship.
i honestly don't know what i should do.
but hey, it's time to stop lamenting and pick the pieces up.