Note to Future Self.

When a man tells you the reason that he stayed on for so long in a relationship with you, is because, that he loves you, he is a keeper.

:)

6 years :)

Happy 6th year anniversary baby :)

We've been through so much and yet, we are still together. That speaks for itself really. Long distance is never easy. Ily v much so :) ❤

Zouk 2012

:)

Christmas dinner 2012



Hoi An, Vietnam 2012 :)

Hope there are many more to come :)

High Expectations.

Recently, I've been enlightened that I've some self inflicted issues. I guess it had been plaguing my mind for awhile and it's driving me crazy, literally. Haven't really been able to sleep well and it's weird. I never had this problem before :(



So yeah. What is the issue about? I think I've too much of an expectation for my bf. My used to be ex ex whom now I'm seeing again. It's all v v v v complicated. We've been fighting recently and I'm really tired. Maybe it's not him but me. Cliche as it sounds, it's true. I'm so used to him being there for me and listening to all my complains and what nots that I hvnt noticed that he has changed. Or maybe I'd - becoming a crazy bitch. We had been together for 4 years before and everything was great till the distance tore us apart. And it just doesn't feel like it's the same anymore. He has his own opinions about things which he voices them out, strongly I may say and he doesn't seem to he as patient as he was before.



I don't know what's happening. It's just.. I don't wanna be in an unhappy position anymore. Maybe I'm too comfortable with him and I expect him to know what I want and how I feel. Am I asking for too much? I don't know.



I just want things to be the same again.



Am I kidding myself? I don't know.

closure.

hiiiiii :)))

after all the intense stressful period, with a whole range of fluctuating emotions, i'm finally done with exams last Wednesday!!! :DD life had been pretty damn busy at the moment, which explains the lack of posts. haha. or maybe i'm just lazy :p

we spoke on Friday, after clubbing. i really needed to speak to you because i really can't deal with this anymore. i realised that i'm just so so so tired from having to put on a front in front of our mutual friends. it's actually life draining. i've had enough since exams. pulling myself together, trying to focus on studying and pretending to be okay in front of ppl had really sucked the happiness and life out of me. therefore, i've suffered enough. and i need to stop this.

we can't be friends anymore. not now, at least. i'm sure we will be friends down the road, next year, when both of us had fully mended our hearts.

do you know how hard it was that i still have to see you and pretend everything's fine AFTER exams? we share tonnes of mutual friends between us and we attend the exact same events. it just felt like we both can't leave each other alone. hence, explaining why we should really stay away from each other and stop being friends for awhile. we don't need to be polite to each other, nor do we need to smile obligingly just because we had to. screw that. both of us just need to be happy. and the ONLY way we could achieve that, is being apart.

i don't know about you, but i really don't want this anymore. not now anyway. there is too much hurt involved. you being you, thinking about yourself more than others and me just on the receiving end. don't get me wrong, i'm sure we both hurt just as much. but maybe i just show it more than you do. lol. typical. cuz we both know that i'm SUCH a bad actor. LOL.

i'm really glad that we had the talk though :))) it made me realised the silly assumptions i've made about you. it just felt like you didn't care enough to text/call me during exam period and check whether i'm okay. i just felt that you were so selfish that i couldn't even stand talking/seeing you. i was so hurt. it felt like you just couldn't be bothered. you reminded me that i shouldn't make assumptions and that you do think of me and that you were still the softie on the inside. it was very very liberating to hear that because all the things you said that night just reminded me of the person i fell in love with, whom is still the same on the inside; no matter how much that you tried to portray yourself otherwise.

we both aren't happy. we admitted that to each other. although everything seemed a lil confusing right now, i actually literally felt relieved. it really felt like it's time for closure, the right time to move on.

i don't know what would happen in the next couple of days, months or till next year. but i really hope that both of us would eventually be happy again :)) i'm sure everything will get better in time :)) time heals. that's for sure.

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anyway, i've mentioned that i'd write a thank you post to those who were there for me, being my pillar(s) of strength through out the break up and exams :)) here goes in no chronological order.

PS: please bear with me if i didn't include you >.< most likely it's not that i forgot about you, but like it's 3 freaking am in the morning and my brain isn't functioning as well as it should be haha

Alice

what can i say?? :) you are an amazing listener and definitely one of the most mature friends i've ever had. it meant a lot to me when you said i'm strong because i know you are one tough cookie as well :) we both know what you had been / are going through in your relationship too and i really can't imagine being you. in the sense that i wouldn't know what to do and whom to choose. thanks for being there listening to my woes, sorrows and rants. i know i could call you whenever and you'd be more than happy to listen to me and vice versa :)) you told me not to lose out on my studies because it was so not worth it. and you were so worried about me, whether i was eating right, studying well etc. it really is great being besties with you and you are one of my best gfs definately <3

Paul

We weren't close to start off with but it really did surprise me when you were so concerned about how i was feeling and whether i was pulling up fine. i really do owe you a lot for helping me out with PBL as i was so lost, both in perio and emotion wised. lol. it was you who really made me realised that i probably should stop whining/crying/being emo because nothing would change from that. i was in such a bad shape after the Oral Anatomy class test and i just needed someone to talk to. although you needed to study, you still came and sat on the lawn with me, and being a great listener. what you said was true and it made so much sense after. you told me to stop asking myself "why". why did we break up? why couldn't we try? why now? you told me to stop asking the same question and stop tormenting myself because they will never be an answer or reason good enough for a break up. it's NEVER good enough. and Chris probably had moved on and seemed fine anyway so you encouraged me to pull myself up, push all my sadness away and put all my effort into studying. 

haha i remember how you were telling me about your past gf(s). omg. i never expected you to have so many! lolss. anyway, thanks for teaching me how to move on. deleting everything - messages, emails, phone number, skype and msn was really one of the best ways to move on. hahaha and you supervised that lol. and i should have totally heeded to your advice that we both shouldn't talk till next year. it seemed outrageous but it was prolly the right thing to do.

Jeff

Tho Tho!! :)))) thanks for the whatsapp/ texts that both Popo and you sent me :)) you guys are awesome :) it felt real good when you guys were checking on to see whether i was doing fine and seeing how my studies were coming along. and i remember ranting to you about Megan and Pat. LOL. you loved it. HAHAHA. and studying at Brownless with you guys were tonnes of fun :) it meant a lot to me as well when both of you asked me to join your group for lunches and just to hang around you guys :)))) 

Bee

where should i start? lol lol! you were the one who was there literally during my break up. we were on msn on that dreaded day and i was so jittery and emo. i was telling you how i have a really strong gut feeling that Chris would come up and break it off. thank god you were there to keep me sane. and after he left, you were still there, waiting for me to reply and staying online just to keep me company. i really, really appreciate our friendship. starting up our online business was really one thing that pulled us together :)) and i'm really glad we did. you are such a true and loyal friend to me. friendships like this are really hard to come by :) HUGS! also, during exams, thanks for checking on me too :)) and kept me company on whatsapp from my mega boring notes lol. :)) i can't wait to see you soon!!!!! 

Ai Lin

one of my most loyal friends who hold friendship higher in her heart than anyone else. thanks for being there for me through my sobbing, whiny phone calls. and you know i'd do the same for you too. anytime! :) i know recently we both had been going through some emo shit and i'm glad we both have each other to talk to. and things are definately getting better now :) thanks for telling me that i really needed space and to stop trying so hard to be friends with Chris because it was just destroying and killing both of us from the inside. you are such a blatant, straight forward person whom i really admire. haha cuz i would never be able to tell people to fuck off like you can. hahahaha. not that it's a bad thing anyway. you taught me to stand up for myself and i'm really getting better at it. lol. 

Shin

thanks for talking to me during my late night emo phone calls, which sometimes wake you up. haha. and you have work the next day too :(( i felt soooooo bad!!! i remember asking you, do you think this is karma? i broke up with you and broke your heart and now i'm receiving what i did to you. you could have told me "yes, you were such a bitch" but instead, you said that i was silly and shouldn't think of it that way :)) you are still you, the kind hearted person and the one who still care :) haha it's funny how we joked that we don't even know how to call each other by the name cuz it's so AWKWARD. it has been 2 years since we'd seen each other and the last time we met, we were still a couple. lol. calling you by your name is so. damn. weird!

Mabs

you were there for me even though you had exams (nawwwww) :))) it meant a lot really and i can't wait to come back to see you and talk to you!! :)

Hoong Chun

We grew closer during exam time and i was really vulnerable then :( thanks for talking to me when i was sooooooo bored from studying and your company was one of the things that got me through exams. haha i remembered that you were sending me random youtube videos to cheer me up and "motivate" me. but the stupid clip with Rocky in it was just moronic. LOL. and because of you, i rewatched the Gossip Girl scene for like, a million times -___- soooooo addictive. and it sort of made me emo as well -_____- but it was also one of the most touching scenes i've ever seen. 

Elsa

you were always the one to disappear whenever i ask you to come along for events -__- but it's great that you are coming out more often now!! :)) it's fun having you around :)) thanks for swinging by to my place and went for drinks with me to keep me company and talk to me :)) it was good having a girlfriend around and someone  who is willing to listen to me whine. :)

College Mates (Weenz, Art, Kah May, Kar Leng, Ming, Qing, Ro)

OMGGGG you guys are zeeeeee best!! :))) seriously. whoever thought of starting the facebook thread going to keep in contact was an absolute genius :) although we hardly catch each other around and you guys are on the other end of the world (UK, US and Malaysia), thanks for replying so fast to my post. all your encouragements and support were really what i needed. hahah thank god for the time difference when i was unable to sleep at 4am and i think Ming was still awake and talking to me on the thread. Weenz you knocked some sense in my head when you said that he doesnt really care anyway because if he was as organised as i said, then why can't he organise me into his busy schedule? well it wasn't exactly like that, but i guess it was kinda true in a way too. and Kar Leng hahahahaha the thing you said about Mariah Carey just made me LOL-ed so bad. hahahahaha.

wow. this post is realllllllllly long. and i'm really really tired. lol 

anyway to sum this up, other ppl whom i'd like to thank for hearing me out:

Jack, Steph, Tecki, Marz, Kev, Shawn (omg you called me a fucking idiot lol), Yen Thong, Asher, Rich, Sarah etc. 

my brain ain't working anymore. i'll add on more when i'm more awake lol :)

that's for now! 

ta!

awww :)

"In your life, no matter how short, you will meet someone who challenges you, who really makes you think. You will meet someone who can make you laugh relentlessly, where your face hurts from smiling so hard. You will meet someone who makes you so angry, so upset and so fucking vulnerable all at once. You will meet someone who be your support no matter what, even if they believe you are wrong. You will meet someone who takes care of you in your worst moments and you will learn to take care of them in their worst as well. You will meet someone you will go through hell and back for. You will meet someone who you love with every ounce of your being. You will meet someone who makes you feel more alive and more happy than you ever have before. You will meet someone who will open doors for you, who will do anything to help you succeed. You will meet someone who would weather the worst of storms for you. You will meet someone who will say one thing to you and your eyes will pour tears and your heart will melt in their hands. You will meet someone who is your best friend, until nothing but death tears you apart. One day, you will meet someone who is all of those and son, you better marry her because she will be everything you will ever need in a human being and every single day you wake up you will be so damn thankful to feel her fingers in your hair and her smile on the back of your neck and don’t you dare bargain for any less of someone who is everything I told you because we settle for too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn’t be one of them."

— Papa, Wasted (Excerpt from my story) (via where-the-heart-is)

:)

love?

apparently it is the season of breaking up recently amongst my circle of primary mates. (yes i still keep in touch with them :) ) it's very intriguing that how all of us lead different lives and we all have our own little pieces of dramas. and although we haven't seen each other for nearly half a year since we last gathered, words of comfort are appreciated so so much when we exchange our woes and experiences, speaking of the past, present and future.

my best friend during our primary years had an extremely bad break up with her boyfriend. they had been going out for 2 years and the break up came as a shock to her. she had always known that he was one with a weird character and also mysteriously temperamental. his reason for breaking up was that he came across a quote, written between the lines of, "what is love? when it can barely last forever" or something seemingly meaningful, but in reality, it's just a bunch of crap. that was it. that WAS the best he can come up with and he left her torn apart, trying to pick up the pieces, all by herself.

"i'm so lost. i don't know what i'm doing everyday. i couldn't focus when i'm working. i can't eat nor sleep properly without nightmares interjecting into my mind. i'm literally a walking corpse and am nothing but a human shell", she said.

to which i tried to give my advice, but apart from saying, "time heals everything," and "he doesn't deserve you anyway that selfish bastard", i couldn't suggest anything else. i realised that i actually couldn't relate to her regarding the break up. i'm very fortunate that in my past relationships, i've been treated extremely well and to be crude, it was pretty evident that my ex(es) loved me, more than i did to them.i was the one who was always irrational and temperamental. for her, she was the one falling head over heels for him and that when he left in a sudden, she couldn't forgive him, moreover herself because she felt that she violated the "the guy must love me more than i do to him in a relationship" rule.

she felt stupid, extremely furious with him and herself, broken and lost. karma was what she thought when he left because she remembered that she didn't treat her past bfs well at all. they were the ones who heeded to all her needs and dayummm she was even more irrational than i was. heh.

and then she got me thinking.

well, what happens if i was her? would that ever happen to me?

:(

honestly, i hope not. (who does anyway!!?) then i thought to myself. if i try to hold back in falling for someone and hoping that he loves me more than i do to him, maybe i wouldn't hurt myself that much, even if it didn't work out. i was initially introuduced to the "rule" by my mum and it is repeatedly reinforced by my girlfriends. all of whom suffered from break ups, good or bad ones.

but seriously, who the fuck invented this outrageous "rule"?!?! think about it, if i hold back my feelings and he thinks that i don't love him enough and likewise held back his, then there is NO meaning to the whole relationship. because we ARE living in denial and selfishness to try to protect ourselves from being hurt by others and therefore, never truly loved each other.

horrible as it sounds, i do admit that i am slightly influenced by it. because i'm a girl and love being pampered :) but that doesn't mean i hold back when it comes to falling in love. i'd like to think that i'm an emotionally attached person and still, unabashedly loves to fantasize the perfect everything when it comes to a relationship. yeaappp that's me, forever the dreamer.

to me, i've learnt that being in a relationship is more of falling deeply in love with each other and having that overwhelming chemistry, then start learning about your partner's habits, character and thoughts, getting to understand him better and then, realising that you are actually falling deeper in love with him when you actually thought it was rendered impossible that it could happen, because you're already so so so into him before.

love is, a strange strange thing.

anyway, back to the story. all of us tried our best to talk to her and try to understand what she's going through. cracking jokes, gossiping about others and generally tried to tear her away from the pain that was piercing her. and the last piece of thought i gave was, "everything happens for a reason", lame i know. yeah Chris's favourite quote. but i thought it was apt at that particular moment when everyone ran out of things to say. to which she nodded and agreed that it is something positive that she could start off with. :) finally someone actually believed that nonsensical quote :p

at the end of the night, when i started writing up this post, (i wrote it last night but didn't manage to finish it) i received a text from my best friend. it was a mass text to everyone who were there. she thanked us for listening and that it felt heart warming that after all these years, we are still there for her and she appreciated it very, very much.

:)

and this is why friendships are precious to me. those who matter anyway :)

lol.

the chemistry between us two is so overwhelming, that every tiny dislike or the series of mini "arguments" we have barely last for more than 2 minutes.

-______________________________-

wtshit.

C: *insert off comment here*
S: *becomes silent during convo*
C: Baby why are you angry?
S: I'm not angry -_-
C: Baby you are angry!
S: No, I'm not *indignant*
C: Yes you are -_- can you please tell me why?
S: No I'm telling you I'm not!
C: Okay you can be angry at me.
S: Okay! :D

Lol.

This is our two minute argument lol.