apparently it is the season of breaking up recently amongst my circle of primary mates. (yes i still keep in touch with them :) ) it's very intriguing that how all of us lead different lives and we all have our own little pieces of dramas. and although we haven't seen each other for nearly half a year since we last gathered, words of comfort are appreciated so so much when we exchange our woes and experiences, speaking of the past, present and future.
my best friend during our primary years had an extremely bad break up with her boyfriend. they had been going out for 2 years and the break up came as a shock to her. she had always known that he was one with a weird character and also mysteriously temperamental. his reason for breaking up was that he came across a quote, written between the lines of, "what is love? when it can barely last forever" or something seemingly meaningful, but in reality, it's just a bunch of crap. that was it. that WAS the best he can come up with and he left her torn apart, trying to pick up the pieces, all by herself.
"i'm so lost. i don't know what i'm doing everyday. i couldn't focus when i'm working. i can't eat nor sleep properly without nightmares interjecting into my mind. i'm literally a walking corpse and am nothing but a human shell", she said.
to which i tried to give my advice, but apart from saying, "time heals everything," and "he doesn't deserve you anyway that selfish bastard", i couldn't suggest anything else. i realised that i actually couldn't relate to her regarding the break up. i'm very fortunate that in my past relationships, i've been treated extremely well and to be crude, it was pretty evident that my ex(es) loved me, more than i did to them.i was the one who was always irrational and temperamental. for her, she was the one falling head over heels for him and that when he left in a sudden, she couldn't forgive him, moreover herself because she felt that she violated the "the guy must love me more than i do to him in a relationship" rule.
she felt stupid, extremely furious with him and herself, broken and lost. karma was what she thought when he left because she remembered that she didn't treat her past bfs well at all. they were the ones who heeded to all her needs and dayummm she was even more irrational than i was. heh.
and then she got me thinking.
well, what happens if i was her? would that ever happen to me?
honestly, i hope not. (who does anyway!!?) then i thought to myself. if i try to hold back in falling for someone and hoping that he loves me more than i do to him, maybe i wouldn't hurt myself that much, even if it didn't work out. i was initially introuduced to the "rule" by my mum and it is repeatedly reinforced by my girlfriends. all of whom suffered from break ups, good or bad ones.
but seriously, who the fuck invented this outrageous "rule"?!?! think about it, if i hold back my feelings and he thinks that i don't love him enough and likewise held back his, then there is NO meaning to the whole relationship. because we ARE living in denial and selfishness to try to protect ourselves from being hurt by others and therefore, never truly loved each other.
horrible as it sounds, i do admit that i am slightly influenced by it. because i'm a girl and love being pampered :) but that doesn't mean i hold back when it comes to falling in love. i'd like to think that i'm an emotionally attached person and still, unabashedly loves to fantasize the perfect everything when it comes to a relationship. yeaappp that's me, forever the dreamer.
to me, i've learnt that being in a relationship is more of falling deeply in love with each other and having that overwhelming chemistry, then start learning about your partner's habits, character and thoughts, getting to understand him better and then, realising that you are actually falling deeper in love with him when you actually thought it was rendered impossible that it could happen, because you're already so so so into him before.
love is, a strange strange thing.
anyway, back to the story. all of us tried our best to talk to her and try to understand what she's going through. cracking jokes, gossiping about others and generally tried to tear her away from the pain that was piercing her. and the last piece of thought i gave was, "everything happens for a reason", lame i know. yeah Chris's favourite quote. but i thought it was apt at that particular moment when everyone ran out of things to say. to which she nodded and agreed that it is something positive that she could start off with. :) finally someone actually believed that nonsensical quote :p
at the end of the night, when i started writing up this post, (i wrote it last night but didn't manage to finish it) i received a text from my best friend. it was a mass text to everyone who were there. she thanked us for listening and that it felt heart warming that after all these years, we are still there for her and she appreciated it very, very much.
and this is why friendships are precious to me. those who matter anyway :)