after all the intense stressful period, with a whole range of fluctuating emotions, i'm finally done with exams last Wednesday!!! :DD life had been pretty damn busy at the moment, which explains the lack of posts. haha. or maybe i'm just lazy :p
we spoke on Friday, after clubbing. i really needed to speak to you because i really can't deal with this anymore. i realised that i'm just so so so tired from having to put on a front in front of our mutual friends. it's actually life draining. i've had enough since exams. pulling myself together, trying to focus on studying and pretending to be okay in front of ppl had really sucked the happiness and life out of me. therefore, i've suffered enough. and i need to stop this.
we can't be friends anymore. not now, at least. i'm sure we will be friends down the road, next year, when both of us had fully mended our hearts.
do you know how hard it was that i still have to see you and pretend everything's fine AFTER exams? we share tonnes of mutual friends between us and we attend the exact same events. it just felt like we both can't leave each other alone. hence, explaining why we should really stay away from each other and stop being friends for awhile. we don't need to be polite to each other, nor do we need to smile obligingly just because we had to. screw that. both of us just need to be happy. and the ONLY way we could achieve that, is being apart.
i don't know about you, but i really don't want this anymore. not now anyway. there is too much hurt involved. you being you, thinking about yourself more than others and me just on the receiving end. don't get me wrong, i'm sure we both hurt just as much. but maybe i just show it more than you do. lol. typical. cuz we both know that i'm SUCH a bad actor. LOL.
i'm really glad that we had the talk though :))) it made me realised the silly assumptions i've made about you. it just felt like you didn't care enough to text/call me during exam period and check whether i'm okay. i just felt that you were so selfish that i couldn't even stand talking/seeing you. i was so hurt. it felt like you just couldn't be bothered. you reminded me that i shouldn't make assumptions and that you do think of me and that you were still the softie on the inside. it was very very liberating to hear that because all the things you said that night just reminded me of the person i fell in love with, whom is still the same on the inside; no matter how much that you tried to portray yourself otherwise.
we both aren't happy. we admitted that to each other. although everything seemed a lil confusing right now, i actually literally felt relieved. it really felt like it's time for closure, the right time to move on.
i don't know what would happen in the next couple of days, months or till next year. but i really hope that both of us would eventually be happy again :)) i'm sure everything will get better in time :)) time heals. that's for sure.
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anyway, i've mentioned that i'd write a thank you post to those who were there for me, being my pillar(s) of strength through out the break up and exams :)) here goes in no chronological order.
PS: please bear with me if i didn't include you >.< most likely it's not that i forgot about you, but like it's 3 freaking am in the morning and my brain isn't functioning as well as it should be haha
Alice
what can i say?? :) you are an amazing listener and definitely one of the most mature friends i've ever had. it meant a lot to me when you said i'm strong because i know you are one tough cookie as well :) we both know what you had been / are going through in your relationship too and i really can't imagine being you. in the sense that i wouldn't know what to do and whom to choose. thanks for being there listening to my woes, sorrows and rants. i know i could call you whenever and you'd be more than happy to listen to me and vice versa :)) you told me not to lose out on my studies because it was so not worth it. and you were so worried about me, whether i was eating right, studying well etc. it really is great being besties with you and you are one of my best gfs definately <3
Paul
We weren't close to start off with but it really did surprise me when you were so concerned about how i was feeling and whether i was pulling up fine. i really do owe you a lot for helping me out with PBL as i was so lost, both in perio and emotion wised. lol. it was you who really made me realised that i probably should stop whining/crying/being emo because nothing would change from that. i was in such a bad shape after the Oral Anatomy class test and i just needed someone to talk to. although you needed to study, you still came and sat on the lawn with me, and being a great listener. what you said was true and it made so much sense after. you told me to stop asking myself "why". why did we break up? why couldn't we try? why now? you told me to stop asking the same question and stop tormenting myself because they will never be an answer or reason good enough for a break up. it's NEVER good enough. and Chris probably had moved on and seemed fine anyway so you encouraged me to pull myself up, push all my sadness away and put all my effort into studying.
haha i remember how you were telling me about your past gf(s). omg. i never expected you to have so many! lolss. anyway, thanks for teaching me how to move on. deleting everything - messages, emails, phone number, skype and msn was really one of the best ways to move on. hahaha and you supervised that lol. and i should have totally heeded to your advice that we both shouldn't talk till next year. it seemed outrageous but it was prolly the right thing to do.
Jeff
Tho Tho!! :)))) thanks for the whatsapp/ texts that both Popo and you sent me :)) you guys are awesome :) it felt real good when you guys were checking on to see whether i was doing fine and seeing how my studies were coming along. and i remember ranting to you about Megan and Pat. LOL. you loved it. HAHAHA. and studying at Brownless with you guys were tonnes of fun :) it meant a lot to me as well when both of you asked me to join your group for lunches and just to hang around you guys :))))
Bee
where should i start? lol lol! you were the one who was there literally during my break up. we were on msn on that dreaded day and i was so jittery and emo. i was telling you how i have a really strong gut feeling that Chris would come up and break it off. thank god you were there to keep me sane. and after he left, you were still there, waiting for me to reply and staying online just to keep me company. i really, really appreciate our friendship. starting up our online business was really one thing that pulled us together :)) and i'm really glad we did. you are such a true and loyal friend to me. friendships like this are really hard to come by :) HUGS! also, during exams, thanks for checking on me too :)) and kept me company on whatsapp from my mega boring notes lol. :)) i can't wait to see you soon!!!!!
Ai Lin
one of my most loyal friends who hold friendship higher in her heart than anyone else. thanks for being there for me through my sobbing, whiny phone calls. and you know i'd do the same for you too. anytime! :) i know recently we both had been going through some emo shit and i'm glad we both have each other to talk to. and things are definately getting better now :) thanks for telling me that i really needed space and to stop trying so hard to be friends with Chris because it was just destroying and killing both of us from the inside. you are such a blatant, straight forward person whom i really admire. haha cuz i would never be able to tell people to fuck off like you can. hahahaha. not that it's a bad thing anyway. you taught me to stand up for myself and i'm really getting better at it. lol.
Shin
thanks for talking to me during my late night emo phone calls, which sometimes wake you up. haha. and you have work the next day too :(( i felt soooooo bad!!! i remember asking you, do you think this is karma? i broke up with you and broke your heart and now i'm receiving what i did to you. you could have told me "yes, you were such a bitch" but instead, you said that i was silly and shouldn't think of it that way :)) you are still you, the kind hearted person and the one who still care :) haha it's funny how we joked that we don't even know how to call each other by the name cuz it's so AWKWARD. it has been 2 years since we'd seen each other and the last time we met, we were still a couple. lol. calling you by your name is so. damn. weird!
Mabs
you were there for me even though you had exams (nawwwww) :))) it meant a lot really and i can't wait to come back to see you and talk to you!! :)
Hoong Chun
We grew closer during exam time and i was really vulnerable then :( thanks for talking to me when i was sooooooo bored from studying and your company was one of the things that got me through exams. haha i remembered that you were sending me random youtube videos to cheer me up and "motivate" me. but the stupid clip with Rocky in it was just moronic. LOL. and because of you, i rewatched the Gossip Girl scene for like, a million times -___- soooooo addictive. and it sort of made me emo as well -_____- but it was also one of the most touching scenes i've ever seen.
Elsa
you were always the one to disappear whenever i ask you to come along for events -__- but it's great that you are coming out more often now!! :)) it's fun having you around :)) thanks for swinging by to my place and went for drinks with me to keep me company and talk to me :)) it was good having a girlfriend around and someone who is willing to listen to me whine. :)
College Mates (Weenz, Art, Kah May, Kar Leng, Ming, Qing, Ro)
OMGGGG you guys are zeeeeee best!! :))) seriously. whoever thought of starting the facebook thread going to keep in contact was an absolute genius :) although we hardly catch each other around and you guys are on the other end of the world (UK, US and Malaysia), thanks for replying so fast to my post. all your encouragements and support were really what i needed. hahah thank god for the time difference when i was unable to sleep at 4am and i think Ming was still awake and talking to me on the thread. Weenz you knocked some sense in my head when you said that he doesnt really care anyway because if he was as organised as i said, then why can't he organise me into his busy schedule? well it wasn't exactly like that, but i guess it was kinda true in a way too. and Kar Leng hahahahaha the thing you said about Mariah Carey just made me LOL-ed so bad. hahahahaha.
wow. this post is realllllllllly long. and i'm really really tired. lol
anyway to sum this up, other ppl whom i'd like to thank for hearing me out:
Jack, Steph, Tecki, Marz, Kev, Shawn (omg you called me a fucking idiot lol), Yen Thong, Asher, Rich, Sarah etc.
my brain ain't working anymore. i'll add on more when i'm more awake lol :)
that's for now!
ta!
