Stuck.

It's already the 2nd week of September and I have no idea what I'm doing.

Sigh.

Everything is changing quicker than the Melbourne weather and I'm unsure how I'm dealing/facing it. There are 3 main things in my life that I need to deal with right now - Graduation, Migration and Job Hunting. All 3 are progressing slowly and I can feel the pressure building and I don't like it very much.

It has been difficult in the job hunting world. Every person I've spoken to unabashedly pointed out that they aren't seeing patients as they used to and appointment books have been left empty. Such news just depress you even further. There's not much to look forward to after graduation, is there?

Sometimes the thought of heading home doesn't seem like a bad idea anymore.

I miss my boyfriend, family and friends. I miss the food, the people and the familiarity.

Standing at the cross road now, just as I had 5 years ago when I took a leap of faith and took up the scholarship, what should I do?

Exhausted.

Oh man, it's already the end of June and it's the middle of winter, which means it's furreeezzzzinggg now :( it's so cold that my toes felt like they are going to drop off any second.

We are now into the 1st week of Hospital Rotation for our final year placement. It has been interesting so far, going for consults with surgeons in the Royal Children Hospital and Royal Melbourne Hospital. Unfortunately we are placed in emergency services with RDHM on weekends now and it is very depressing indeed. Imagine having your weekend taken away! :(

Le housemate is back in KL and I'm home alone again. It's getting really quiet around here :( sigh.

Lack of sleep and weird patients don't make me a happy person.

CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOMEEEEE

:(

Zzz

Okay. Today is officially the worst day ever, albeit our 6th year anniversary.

One of my dent gfs just texted me and told me her bf broke up with her.

And I knew how much she liked and cherished this relationship.

:(((((

:(

Been going through a biphasic emotional rollercoaster. Sigh.

Dent is really taking a toll on me. Thursday's paper was just..... wtf? Can't believe I studied so hard for it and because of the random questions that I got screwed over :((( Well it's undeniable that it's my own fault bc I didnt do my run through ritual with the CDH lectures. But also because I ran out of time with discussions and what not. Definitely changing the way I study next year. It's really depressing when all the effort you put in for a paper doesn't even minutely reflect the knowledge we know for that particular subject.

And people who always complain on how freaking hard their subject is should just stfu. You think 12 weeks of lectures is bad for 1 exam. We have 3 subjects (36 lectures at least) crammed into 1 paper. And we are still expected to know everything. I'm so tired of reading people tweeting about their stupid exam and how difficult it to finish 12 lectures. Bitch please. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN.

Zzzz. I'm just in a really crappy mood right now.

Last exam - Oral exam/viva, which is like a case presentation to 2 dentists and we have to diagnose and treatment plan for the patient. They can ask you anyyyyyyyyything from 2nd year to 3rd year. So death is with me.

STRESS.

So like,I just wrote a lengthy post on why im pretty upset today, and blogger decided to not save my post and crash in safari. Fml. :(

High Expectations.

Recently, I've been enlightened that I've some self inflicted issues. I guess it had been plaguing my mind for awhile and it's driving me crazy, literally. Haven't really been able to sleep well and it's weird. I never had this problem before :(



So yeah. What is the issue about? I think I've too much of an expectation for my bf. My used to be ex ex whom now I'm seeing again. It's all v v v v complicated. We've been fighting recently and I'm really tired. Maybe it's not him but me. Cliche as it sounds, it's true. I'm so used to him being there for me and listening to all my complains and what nots that I hvnt noticed that he has changed. Or maybe I'd - becoming a crazy bitch. We had been together for 4 years before and everything was great till the distance tore us apart. And it just doesn't feel like it's the same anymore. He has his own opinions about things which he voices them out, strongly I may say and he doesn't seem to he as patient as he was before.



I don't know what's happening. It's just.. I don't wanna be in an unhappy position anymore. Maybe I'm too comfortable with him and I expect him to know what I want and how I feel. Am I asking for too much? I don't know.



I just want things to be the same again.



Am I kidding myself? I don't know.

i don't know what i want anymore.
i just want to see you.

:(

you know you're going crazy

when you wake up at 6.45am when you slept at 2am the night before, and couldn't go back to sleep.

when you speak to a fly in your room nicely, asking it to fly out because you really can't deal with everything right now. including the fly.

when someone doesn't pick up your calls/return texts, you think that it was your phone's reception's fault. and just not because he didn't reply.

when you tried to restart your phone countless times, hoping that it REALLY was the reception's fault.

when you feel so lonely because your best friend is not speaking to you.

when you start to hate yourself and question why this is happening.

when you cry till your eyelids swell up into a monolid that is the size of a tiny hill.

i just want you.

:(

:((

Jit Jit (my pet tortoise) is really sick :(

Mum said she hasn't been eating again and she's not defecating too. Vets have been giving her pain killers and trying to hydrate her as well.

Her arms and legs could barely move this morning :(

Heartsick.

It has been a shit week.

Can all the bad things stop happening already?

i've finally found you, my missing puzzle piece.

it is a moody day for me and as usual, i don't even try to hide it very well. maybe not from boo, but it's good enough to shield from the outside world on how i felt.

:(

we understand each other so well that my feelings affect his too. i felt awful when i realised he thought i was sad because of him and he decided to roll in bed instead of coming to class. studying fuels him and makes him happy (lol. such a nerd) and it was all.because.of.me.

:(

why am i like this? :(

so this is it.

i'm currently overwhelmed with emotions. and these emotions couldn't possibly all be worded nor expressed. but i'll try. because it is the best way for me to deal with them, for now.

it has been 3 days, since the confrontation. it seemed less serious than it sounds, as it was more of me talking, picking my fingernails and just looking away while trying to express how i felt for the last 3 months. it felt more like it was expressed from only my point of view. when i did catch your eyes occasionally as i looked up, there was your mere smile on your face. the one that i'm so familiar with, because we had been so close for so long. it pains me, because you meant so much to me, as a best friend, one of my closest since high school. 

you know i hate confrontations. i KNOW i hate confrontations. which is why it took me freaking 3 months to muster all the courage i have to speak to you. that miserable sunday, when i came home, trying to mentally prepare myself and try to get the words out from my mouth was absolutely torturous. i swear a part of me inside died and has yet to recover. i was so so so nervous and it was so diffucult to get my thoughts right. all i could do before i knocked on your door, which is always closed for now, was pacing up and down the living room, cleaning up my room, kitchen etc. everything was done in vain to prepare myself.

you were simply, emotionless after all that i'd said. even my tears couldn't do otherwise.your patting on my thigh and that mere smile were all i could get out of you. then i realised i was treated as how you would treat our normal friends. normal as in, distant friends, whom usually after you'd comforted them, you'd come back home and tell me stories about them, occasionally saying that they're stupid and you don't know what they were thinking of.

after all that said and done, i told you that i need to return to my room, curl up and die. and you said i should take a rest. lol. so, that's it?

that was all you could say to me? 

take a rest.

that was it huh.

we both shut our doors and while i curl up and wanting to die on my bed, i could clearly hear you skyping with your gf, talking and laughing, as if nothing took place in the last 15 minutes. well, aren't thin walls a blessing?  i snapped at that point and told chris i can't do this anymore. i need to leave. i need to leave immediately. kev came to get me and i just grabbed whatever i could, as fast as possible to just get away. to leave. 

and that was it. 

no texts, no calls, no emails, no nothing.

i guess for the past few days after the whole drama, my inner self was just pushing everything aside. my brain pretty much refused to process whatever that had happened and resisting entirely any feelings i had. numb, i would say.

i tried to put on a brave front, telling EVERYONE i'm okay. i'm perfectly fine. pfft. it takes time but i'm fine now! :)))) don't worry about me! i'm okay :D 

hi mum and dad, i'm fine :) don't worry okay? mum, stop being so dramatic about everything. i'm fine.

hey boo i'm fine :) don't worry about me, just do your stuff and i won't invade your space :)

hi kev :D PRINCE OF BOH huh! :)

lol. i amuse myself. seriously.

today was one of those days. one of the unlucky days since i've 4 damn classes from 9 to 5. and all i wanna do is just curl in bed and sleep. just to block everything away from my head, and sleep. boo came back for me every single break and we spent time talking. talking about how i was feeling and everything else. to be honest, i'm still in pieces. it was good to have my own little space now, just to pull all my thoughts together and mend myself. i'm very tired and all i want to do was to sleep for the entire day. curled up in bed and hide myself from everyone else. i don't think i can walk out from the apartment and face anyone today. i don't want to speak to people, i don't want to pretend that everything's fine for once. i just want to be hiding alone.

i do wonder whether i did the right thing. 

whether it was right to express how i felt. maybe i should have done what i do best- run and hide. running away from problems is undeniably my forte. pretending, not so because my face tends to show it all. facing the problems i have is definitely my phobia, hence part of me dying is unavoidable in confronting issues. everyone told me it was the right thing to tell him. but why do i feel otherwise? 

i always knew if i had to take this step, it would end up like this. it would wind down to us trying to avoid each other. if we bump into one another, all we will do is to smile meekly and have some sort of small talk that involves uni, the weather and what not and awkwardness will engulf us whole. 

of all days, my body had to choose today to fall apart. 

what the fuck.

chris said that i shouldn't shut you out and there might be a glimmer of hope in saving this relationship. 

i honestly don't know what i should do. 

but hey, it's time to stop lamenting and pick the pieces up. 

i thought

that i could emotionally detach myself, push everything aside and just bloody focus on my freaking Physio.

apparently not.

when all i see or think is you when i attempt to study.

this is so messed up.

i'm a freaking mess myself. 

i just wanna curl up in my bed and sob.

:'(

it's about time to keep my mouth shut about some issues.

i'll just deal with them myself, without help from anyone.

shit.

just realised i'm really behind for Biochem and everything else.

T___________T

eep! better start cramming already :(

sigh.

I'm actually feeling pretty damn shitty now :(

I've had an insane long week this week, everyday from 9am-5pm apart from Thursday which I had an 8am start. Even the shortest day we had was from 9am-3pm. Such a long and tiring week.

On top of that, Perio didn't go as well today either. I was having trouble getting the sitting and scaling position right. I didn't even finish the whole mandibular arch at the end and the ones that I've managed to clean weren't that great too. Specks of nail varnish were still stuck on the tooth surface :((((

A wave of panic struck me on the way home and I'm feeling very stressed out now :(

OMG. I'M GOING TO FAIL T_______________________________T

fml.

I was on Skype the other day and I received a pop up message from Steph. I actually thought it was some important document and therefore stupidity took control and I clicked it open -_-

AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE A VIRUS.

OMFG. 

FML.

And now it has taken over my instant messengers, eg: Skype and MSN. 

Remember one of the moronic diet messages and links that pop up when you friend's laptop had that stupid virus? 

I'm one of them now :(((((((((

Oh dear. 

tired.

Come on.

I can't deal with this anymore.

Gimme a break.

Can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now.
B.o.B ft Hayley Williams- Airplanes

:(

I realised that all of us have our own crazy or crazies.

For instance, Chris has his periods of being overstressed and daunting schedules and Jack likes to raise eBay bids just for the fun of it. I'm weird 'cause I have random bursts of happiness and urge to look pretty by curling my hair or to hone my make up techniques in the middle of the night.

How strange.

Currently, I'm going through a phase of overwhelmed emotions and I feel like crying. It's not right. A break from all these relationship turmoils would be good. I've never asked for them. Others might see it as a compliment, but to me it means trouble.

It's driving me nuts. Really.

Olivia Ong has one of the most amazing voices that I've ever heard. It's the only thing keeping me sane right now.

Bading Goodbye.

It has been a very long and bleak day today.

News of a friend passing away back in KL in the wee hours this morning caught my attention and at this point, it's still incomprehensible. The fact that he had passed is still hard to grasp on. According to my Wesleyan friends, he attended a farewell party and was test driving on his way back. He sped too fast and crashed into the lamp post in front of Bangsar's McD and flew out from his seat. His head was severely injured (hemorrhage maybe?) and he passed away at 5.45 am. Currently, the friend whom was sitting on the passenger seat is still unconcious in the ICU.

To Shobaan,

We were never close enough for me to share with everyone on how a great friend you were or what amazing things you'd done in your life. But what I do have are small, vague memories of you as a classmate, an LRT travelling partner and a friend.

As Sarah said earlier, you are definately a legend in WMS. No matter which set teaching class you were in, be it English or Malay, you would fall a sleep anyhow, anytime, anywhere. Your act of sleeping while leaning against the wall, especially during Mrs. Moses' class was just plain epic. Seriously. Until now, all of us still couldn't decide whether you were really asleep, or was just pretending to be in order to piss the teachers off.

You have the most crazy mobile collection. I still remember you had one of your mobiles confiscated during class one day and was complaining to me while we were on the LRT together. It was one of those rare occasions where we bumped into each other at the station after school as you hardly go home early anyway. You said the prefects were picking on you 'cause you were the then vice principle's nephew and it was plain unfair. But you told me it was okay anyway, because you have even more mobiles at home (I can't remember how many, but it was a ridiculous amount o.O ). You were just worried about the SIM card and that your "machas" would not be able to contact you. Heh.

You are one of the unique people in life whom would go against the norms of society, always breaking the rules and living life on the fast lane. It just occured to me that it was a farewell which you've attended before your passing, and strangely, it seemed to be a farewell for you instead. Although with you leaving your family and friends is a tragedy, but to think on the bright side, it was fortunate that you had the chance to gather around your friends for the last time before bading your last goodbye.

I'm still overwhelmed by you leaving the world. I'm sure everyone is. You were just so young. May you rest in peace, wherever you are.

Note: I definately have not written a brilliant piece about you, but Terri surely did.

Neutrophil Polymorphonuclear Leukocyte.

It's almost 4am in the morning and I'm here, trying to lift up my eyelids and am having futile attempts to stay awake. :( Sigh. I'm not exactly technology literate therefore I immensely dislike studying/revising the notes through the computer programme. It strains my eyes and I get highly distracted with Facebook and what not. Boo. Slides printed on proper papers and colourful highlighters are definately the way to go :D

Sometimes it's just hard to grasp on how a person mind works. Why would you want to betray the trust of people who sheltered you when your life hit rock bottom, provided you a home and a family and trusted you whole heartedly? I've never liked you for some reason. Intuition, perhaps. And I actually thought I was being biased for telling Mum that you're up to no good. You took 4 years to yearn for acceptance in the extended family and it just took a few days to wreck it all. Sad, isn't it? Second chances don't come by so often and I would account this as a miracle. I would've called the cops if I were they. Count your blessings dear. You're definately running out of them.

You've hurt them so bad. It's disgusting.

Hunger makes the thief of everyman. Save a thief from the gallows and she will cut your throat.

Don't see your shadow around when you walk. If these walls could talk they would have so much to tell.

Time for bed. Toodles.